Tuesday, June 3, 2014

You Know You're in Prison When...

You Know You're in Prison When:

- You get insanely excited about a hot dog dinner
- You have to carry your toilette paper with you to the bathroom
- Copies of Playboy cost five tins of mackerel
- Someone teaches you how to make taffy out of coffee creamer, sweet 'n low, milk, peanut butter and jam (it's actually pretty good)
- The man behind you in line for chow says that the US government has bonded his birth certificate and holds him in perpetual indentured servitude
- A guard gives you a random breathalyzer test as you lay on your bunk (you pass)
- You don't have a pillow because they "ran out"
- You are told, "Because it's prison, that's why" in answer to every question
- You sleep in a room filled with 180 farting men
- You receive a serious, lengthy lesson on "how to weed whack" (hint: it's all about how you hold the head)
- You can only go shopping once per week
- You are not allowed to try on your clothes or shoes before purchasing
- The coffee is made out of acorns (or something else most definitely unrelated to actual coffee beans)
- A guard asks you to strip so that he can examine your body for bruises (to see if you've been fighting)
- You begin to learn Spanish by osthmosis
- You wake up in the night to a flashlight shined in your face
- They give you a locker for all your stuff, just like in high school
- A helicopter lands nearby and they lock you down, for fear that someone will commandeer the thing and escape
- A guard pronounces your name "Legs Spread" at mail call
- You begin to forget what women look like
- You wait for the corner shower even though the middle showers are free (though you're not quite sure why)
- A metal folding chair is turned into a weapon to break a nose
- After you're done eating you knock on the table three times before leaving
- A DUI for walking is just as bad a a DUI for driving
- You walk around the track, do yoga and play badminton and actually have a pretty good day
- You have time to read to your heart's content
- NPR becomes your vicarious connection with the outside world: before long, you realize you could care less what's happening in Nairobi.

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